Well, this was close!
I am decidedly not OK!
We had our unit work kick-off today - a whole self-congratulatory rah-rah affair followed by professional development.
I had signed up to lead a session and give a presentation. When I volunteered to lead the session in the spring I did so because we just *had* to have this session to give “people” an idea what I am doing. I gave a vague description what I was going to be talking about.
I missed signing up for the conference as a participant. I was, however, a presenter for one of the sessions.
I struggled with life all day!
I had been struggling putting the presentation together in the days prior.
I know what I am doing and I know where the problems of my job lie, but my target audience is so varied - it is difficult to figure out how to help them all.
I am a confident public speaker, so that’s not the issue.
Also, I have ideas - and I have the skills to figure out a solution with the help of others. What I am doing essentially, is “program evaluation”, the thing I went to school for! The communication process requires the same skill set as program evaluation does. So I am the person for this job.
But I just about discombobulated today!
I struggled with the self-congratulatory rah-rah, the “oh aren’t we so great!” during the morning. I struggled with the keynote speaker, who stated that “it’s hard to employ people who were never born” and I felt I knew where she stood on the abortion debate. She continued right along those lines and I heard her. I heard her concerns for the workforce that had everything to do with supplying the necessary workers for our economy. I heard her plans for educating a workforce to keep people in the state. But her concern was the state, not the people.
I was reading what they were really saying between the lines when they talked about the things happening in the state legislature. I see it now. I hear it.
I didn’t struggle when they celebrated the people who had been at the institution for 35+ years! I knew all of these people as wonderful, upstanding individuals and fantastic colleagues!
But I lost it when they didn’t have a lunch for me.
Yes, it was my own fault. I did not register. No registration, no lunch. Those are the rules. But I was a presenter! Should someone have checked with me ‘Hey, did you make sure that you have a lunch?’ - Does a presenter not get lunch even when they don’t register? If I were running the show, I’d check the list of presenters against the list of participants and make sure that the lists match.
But things fall through the cracks. People fall through the crack. I didn’t fall through a crack. I just found one. I didn’t register, so I didn’t receive lunch, because ‘registration’ is the prerequisite fur lunch, not ‘presenting’.
I bet the keynote speaker got lunch without registering.
But it does not matter what the answer is. I know that my reaction made no logical sense. This reaction was in no relation to the perceived offense. But when I was informed that there would not be a lunch for me, I cried.
Well, that’s not exactly correct, I was told I needed to check at the “extras”, “leftovers for non registered participants” table to see, if there was anything left over. It was when I was told that there were no left-overs that I cried.
I was not even hungry! But I cried.
I walked to my car and cried.
I’d been on edge all day. I felt the electricity in my hand last night and this morning as I was trying to put that presentation together. I made sure to take my regular meds for that exact reason. I did not take anything else.
I did not take the emergency meds as I had a presentation that was not quite finished as of this morning.
I parked on campus and walked with others to the event site as parking was going to be limited at the event location. I think I was willing to give the rah-rah a chance, but just could not do it.
I don’t now where it went wrong.
I ran into friends during the walk and we had a good time walking to the event location.
I don’t know where it went wrong.
Maybe it was when they interrupted the celebration before it even started to congratulate the “latest US citizen”. She said a few words praising the community she had found here. Good for her - good for her, finding community.
Glad she found it!
Maybe it’s just me. Maybe there is community for everyone else but for me. Wonder, if anyone will notice when I become a citizen? Nobody will put me up front on a stage “look at our latest citizen”, she’s one of us now.
Is that what it will take to be accepted? Will I need to become a citizen so that I can feel at home?
I know the answer - it’s ‘no’! Because it also won’t be enough. It won’t ever be enough. There will always be something missing, always some hurdle I supposedly didn’t jump, one thing I didn’t try, one thing I didn’t do. There will always be one more.
How do you live that way?
Citizenship will happen for me - and nobody will notice. Just like nobody ever notices when I accomplish anything. If I don’t celebrate me, nobody celebrates me!
They’ll probably realize that I am a US citizen as much as they realize that I also have a trans kid. Just like the “most wonderful of all parents” was highlighted recently for the fact that she had a trans kid as I was standing next to both said parent and the speaker. Yes, I know, someone saying that she is a great parent says nothing about me as a parent. Still, the lack of consideration is palpable.
It’s like I don’t even exist.
It’s OK.
Someone said something about their husband arriving with a suitcase. I also arrived with a suitcase. But I have white privilege, so it’s not the same.
And it’s my fault that I married the asshole, of course. It’s not like I was a kid. It’s not like I was 15. I was an adult. Obviously, it was my fault.
Sure, my life was hard, but so was everyone else’s - and they didn’t do it to themselves - unlike me - I did it to myself!
As I was walking to my car, I ran into the big boss. She asked me how I was doing - “just fine” I said, “just fine”. Wonder, if she saw the tears in my eyes as I walked past her.
Wonder, if anyone paid attention. Anyone but the coworker who helped me with the presentation.
I was barely human when I walked back into the room where I would be giving the presentation. Logging into the computer was a struggle because the 2-factor authentication was not playing nice with my cell phone that I had been set to power savings since I was almost out of charge.
I did have a protein bar with me. I try to always carry something on me just in case my blood sugar acts up. That’s the last thing I needed at this time! Luckily, I found the emergency ration in my backpack at that moment.
When I could not find the e-mail program, I called the coworker over who I had asked to help facilitate my session. She was wonderful! She acknowledged the situation and calmly helped me set things up. I do think that I messed up the recording, but I only had 1 online participant.
It’s good. The session went well. I believe that I had answers for some participants - and I learned about concerns that some of the attendees had. Concerned that related to things that happened before my time. I could honestly tell them that my experience in the last 3 years did not echo what they described, but that I certainly understood their concern.
These people trust me to do a good job at my job.
The little people trust me to do a good job. The administrators that have a problem with me.
The powers-that-be have a problem with me.
Narcissists have a problem with me.
Children and animals trust me explicitly.
Maybe I just found my answer.
Ughhhh