She was eating donut holes with sprinkles when she called this morning.
As soon as the Messenger call rang through my bedroom, the dog fled my bed in horror as I concomitantly scrambled to connect the Bluetooth headset.
“Low battery, please recharge!” the headphones complained. Darn, these were on their last leg! “Bluetooth connected”
I had been typing on my laptop when the Messenger call came in. Because of that, I responded on to the call on the laptop even though the cell phone was sitting next to me on the table.
Unfortunately, when I grabbed the headphones, they connected with the phone rather than the computer.
So now I was listening to a random comedian on my noise canceling headphones while a child’s voice is still filling the room through the computer speakers.
Sadly, the child’s voice was the reason the dog fled. The baby used to squeak into the phone - and the dog hates high pitched or loud noises. The child has not squeaked in a while, but the dog knows that children can’t be trusted when it comes to making annoying sounds.
So the dog flees as soon as the phone rings - and is now frantically scratching my daughter’s bedroom door - looking for safety. As it’s 9:30 am on a Saturday, that’s not what my daughter prefers. But she gets it, and makes no fuss as she eventually lets the dog into her room.
In the meantime, I have found the settings for all the devices, and I have convinced the computer speakers to connect to the messenger call.
“Hi Munchkin, how are you doing? Are you eating donut holes?”
Yes, she nods as a sprinkle falls off the chocolate donut hole that fills her entire hand.
“Donut holes with sprinkles?”
“Yes”, she replies - pointing to the sprinkles that have fallen into her bowl.
She’s trying to maneuver the bowl such that I can see the inside of it. That proves difficult as gravity and camera angles are a reality in our lives.
She’s 2. She’s my grandchild - and she lives a few states away. Sometimes, when she gets up on a Saturday morning, she wanders into the living room ahead of her designated adult - and she calls her Oma on using a “portal”. Then we often have breakfast together.
Sometimes we talk, sometimes she just hangs with me for the company. Sometimes both of us eat, sometimes we even eat the same thing. Many times, I just watch her eat.
Today, we were exploring the sprinkles that were falling off her donut holes.
Peace comes over the room. Even the dog comes back eventually.
I’m watching her eat a donut hole. She enjoys watching herself eat in the portal screen, too.
She takes her time eating. She’s taken one bite already, and a second bite would end the affair. But she’s in no rush to do so.
“Oops, you dropped a sprinkle.” I point out. I encourage slow eating.
She’s trying to grab the fallen sprinkle with her fingers. As I can’t quite see what shape it is, I ask her.
I don’t get an answer even though I am pretty sure that she knows what a star shape is.
Munchkin is more interested in picking up each of the sprinkles that has fallen on her small table - one - by - one.
I am watching her. I have nowhere better to go!
That’s the beauty of my life now.
I can take the time to spend 20 minutes exploring sprinkles on a donut hole while her Daddy is having breakfast in the background. Daddy’s breakfast is a planned affair, part of his day. He has things to do, places to go later. I don’t know, if he’s scheduled to work later today.
I can waste my whole day today, if I want to.
Waste?
My breakfast with the grandkid is play time. It’s certainly not a waste.
My life is different from the way it used to be.
I have choices now that I never had before. I can choose to hang with the grandkid when she calls on a Saturday morning. There is no cell line that needs to be fed twice a day. There is no job I need to rush to - no boss breathing down my neck.
There is no sick rat that I need to take care of - now! Nobody telling me what I can do when. Nothing and nobody, except for that dog and cat, depend on me.
Why am I suddenly thinking about Maslow?
It’s because I suddenly realized that I feel safe! I feel safe!
I feel safe, in part, because the Ex is stuck in another State.
I feel safe, in part, because I can likely make this retirement thing work out - and if I can’t, I have people who are willing to put up with me living with them - one day.
I feel safe.
I feel safe, because I can walk away!
I feel safe, because I am self-sufficient now!
All my life I was afraid! Afraid that I was not good enough, afraid to be abandoned - then afraid to die or be killed and have to abandon those I am responsible for.
When those I am responsible for left, and came back, and left again, and came back… I learned that they felt safe enough with me. They needed help, but they felt safe enough with me to come back.
I also learned that I could feel safe with them.
And I am safe - with me.
What if I am worried about belonging now, because I could not think about belonging until I had safety figured out?
Or am I still figuring out safety - and “belonging” is just another word for “am I safe with you” and am I figuring out what the answer is?
Oh, the slowing down and being in the moment littles teach us. Beautiful!!