Here before - Squarely Sixty: Day 11

This feels familiar

I’ve been here before - on this roller coaster.

Last time I was here, I was married - to a deviant psychopath.

Somehow I found myself in a situation that was completely untenable. My life was a mess. He was completely unpredictable. My actual survival was at risk.

I had slipped into the situation not knowing what I was getting into. I had been lied to - and I didn’t recognize the situation for what it was because nothing in my upbringing and education prepared me for

this.

Once I recognized that I was in deep trouble I had to make a decision - and figure out how to survive.

But first I got into more trouble - I got pregnant - in my first year of graduate school.

I am very much pro choice. But my choice is and always has been “I will have the baby.” Now I was not only stuck, I was stuck-stuck with a cherry on top.

One option was: submit and survive.

That appeared to be what everyone else was doing in their lives. Society was silently screaming: submit and survive. It’s what we do around here. Submit and survive, silently - keep the secrets. Choose your words.

Or - you can make a different choice - a hard choice, a crazy choice: You can step into the unknown - not play their game - and you may or may not survive.

I had a child to worry about now.

But it is better to live - better to make the move - “remembering
we were never meant to survive” (Audrey Lorde).

He tried to hold me with shame, but I was not raised in the bible belt. I was raised as a German. I know shame. I had to learn how to work with the shame that was laid into my crib by my people who came before me.

I was raised with shame - not white and proud.

“Bull by the horns” is my approach when it comes right down to it. When it came to German history, I read the stories of the victims. I read up and learned as much as I could to understand.

In my marriage, I quietly set up the defenses. I worked around him. I set up my entire life so that it was independent of him as much as possible.

When I got pregnant, he suggested that I should quit school, to stay home with the child. I had never wanted anything more in my life - stay home and raise a child; I love babies.

But I could not. If we were to survive, I needed a job, an income - my own future. I could not allow myself to become dependent on him.

He thought he was winning big time. All the bills were in my name - all the responsibility - most of the load.

I even paid off his back child support with a loan from my parents.

He had made it - all the pleasure, none of the pain AND amateur porn!

Except, he didn’t consider my defiance.

I just kept building our little life - dragging the petulant child along with me. Working around his moods to get bills paid and money in the bank.

Then one day he decided to go back to school and work part time only, just as we were starting to make some headways.

I fought him; it was ridiculous. But it was a great trial run: can I support the family when I kick him out?

Eventually, I did get a divorce. Not much changed in my life after he moved out. I bought him out of the house to remain where I was. I gave him everything he wanted. We fought about the kids and I won that fight, mostly because I am sane. He got half of my retirement, because he didn’t have any. My life didn’t change much, expect I now had 2 children instead of 3.

My life was quite nice after I made the Toddler move out.

It became even nicer, when I deleted his number from my phone.

I’ve been here before - on this roller coaster.

We need to take the toys of havoc away from the toddler.