Saying No - at Sixty: Day 91

It takes practice

When I was a kid, my Dad said to me:” Some people spit in your face and tell you it’s raining.”

I was spat on by the other day.

The person, who spit in my face, did so with a smile. I smiled too - smiled politely, But I was listening. They made notes.

So what do I do with my wet face - and few choices at sixty?

I set boundaries.

I can’t want it more than they do.

I do need to stop telling my daughter that I could walk away in an instance. I either do it, or I don’t.

She cares very much about me and about the relationship I have with her daughter. She cares about me in the role of the grandma.

That’s actually true. My daughter can do this thing on her own. She has done it before. She likes me as a confidant, but for the most part, the questions she has about adulting now exceed my ability to help her constructively - as her experience in many areas of adulting exceeds my experience. I am still a friend, but I am not her best friend any more.

She’s now building a network of friends. They have the perfect set-up. Husband, wife, kid(s) - the adults largely remained at “their station” with regards to jobs and such - after their spirits were crushed. But theirs is not a bad station.

I’m alone.

I don’t have to be.

Their place would be a soft landing.

I’m so tired of fighting for my life.

The reality is that each moment you don’t fight for your life, you can die a little.

Each moment - every day. It may not be this hard every day for everyone, but it is for me.

This new fight for me will be to hold the boundary - hold “the No”.

I’ve shot off a few of them so far:

The “can you just make an exception” email from the boss did result in an exception but - I am asking for completion of the paperwork now. Completion of the paperwork now, makes sure that the exception lands within the regular assignments and I don’t have to go chasing for it all year long as I have had to do with exceptions in the past

The folks from the new work assignment that were unaware that the previous assignments were going to be current assignments despite my change in position, are now reaching out to me with new assignments. “Sure, I’ll talk to you. But I am not making new time/assignment commitments without compensation or support commitments for the old assignment.”

I have not heard back from the “exception” folks, but “new work assignment” folks seem to recognize that there is a problem.

Saying “no” is not something I practiced a lot in my life.

I was married to a man, who did not accept “no”. It was not that he necessarily punished “no”, he just didn’t accept it.

My “no” didn’t matter. So I might as well skip the argument and submit; because we know that’s how this will end - after the fight and the drama:

You can either have the 2 week fight and do what I want; or we can skip the fight - and I get what I want right away. If both know the outcome, then why fight it?

Sound familiar?

My Ex husband, it turns out, is not the only one thinking this way. And it’s not only happening at home.

Possession is 9/10th of the law,

If you have care or empathy, you are always left holding the bag because you are unwilling to disappoint others.

They use our good will against us!

They use us against us.

And we disappoint ourselves - because that’s familiar.

No more