While equal rights are not pie,
Time is.
Time is finite - time is pie.
You wanna piece of me?
You gonna pay!
The best son in law (BaSIL) suggested that I could stock shelves for 4 hours a day and live off that with them. Sure, I could. I don’t need much.
There is value in knowing that I can shrink my needs down to nothing. But why should I? I’ve done that and it didn’t work out for me.
It was a sweet suggestion on Basil’s part. He works as a store manager and he’s essentially offering me a job and a place to live without any questions asked. He would not extend that same offer to another one of his daughter’s grandparents, I am sure.
While it’s a sweet offer, it’s the wrong attitude.
I am not a charity case!
I am a crone!
My problem has not been that I am expecting too much. I’ve been selling myself short.
Where is it written that all I have accomplished so far is worthless?
It’s time I stop selling myself short - start exploring what I can do.
Who suggests that after 30 years in a biotech research labs, 15 years of teaching, 4 years of grant management, 20 years of child-rearing, 2 MS degrees, speaking 2 languages fluently, I have to “start over” doing anything?
Just because one employer does not see value in my skills, knowledge and cultural appreciation, the price I pay is that I start over?
I’ve been selling myself short.
Sure, I could start over again. I have it in me, but I am not going to - because there is nothing to start over from.
I am building upon - not starting over.
[I keep thinking about why anyone would read what I have to write. It’s this kind of stuff, where I suddenly think to myself “why didn’t I think of this before? It’s so obvious now.
What if it was not obvious to anyone else until that moment?]
I have a lifetime of paying attention, skills, experience, culture, spiced with a few languages and some humor.
I can do a million different things.
As I am thinking about time, I said something to Basil about trying to stuff two or three lifetimes into what’s left of one. That image apparently resonated with Basil and he responded “I’ve been trying to tell you that in the last little bit!” Oh, so that’s what he was trying to say when he said “you need to follow one path” the other day. He was not trying to rush me to make a decision as he was reminding me that I still only have one life to live.
Basil’s focus is different from mine. He loves that baby - and he wants another baby badly. He’s just getting started with his little family.
He’d like to add a really cool grandma who could teach his kid German. He would encourage the language and culture.
He would want me in his life for what I can add to his daughter’s life. He wants me for me! The job Basil’s offering is the one I wanted when I had kids - raising a kid with supportive partners.
Basil is offering the dream I used to have.
Basil and my oldest are offering that option and it is oh so tempting.
The big realization for today is that I will not “start over”. I will move on. Because this idea that “if this does not work out, I can always stock shelves” is a very poor attitude to have about oneself. It’s protective, but it’s also counter-productive.
I have thoughts about the “moving on” part, too. But I am tired now and sleep is calling.
Basil is offering the dream I used to have.
He’s offering a great option.
But the questions has changed.
Rather than asking, where will I be able to make it work, I am asking - what is it that I want.
What is the dream? What is driving me?
As I am sitting here, writing - this is one of the things I want time for! Writing!
One answer down.
“I’m not a charity case, I’m a crone”! YES!! So many good things I got out of this today, thank you so much for sharing.