The Sixtieth Year - Day 93 - then again..

I love how my brain works.

I love how my brain works.

If that’s ADHD, Autism, BP or C-PTSD or all of the above, I really enjoy the highs … and I don’t actually mind the lows all that much. What’s a tear or two in the big scheme of things.

The trick is to have the space, time and environment to shed the tear.

Right now I can’t seem to work. Oh well. Not the end of the world. Take a day or two. It will be OK.

You are not that crucial at your work.

In the meantime, figure out what you really want to do.

I am in full-spin.

And I had a therapy appointment today.

I told her that I could not work right now. That I had been unable to complete an excel sheet in the last 3 days. It really needs to get done.

Oh well, I told her. I just can’t right now. They’ll deal.

I’m taking the time I need.

I’ll get to it when I get to it.

Just like you get to me when you get to me.

I thought we were taking care of each other. I thought, we were taking turns. I was taking care of you - thinking you’d take care of me, not just at the basic level - not just a “meets expectations” without any discussion. I thought you cared like I care.

But you were just thinking of you. You thought that everyone was taking care of themselves, too.

You didn’t realize that I was playing by different rules.

Because you don’t understand diversity.

You think I’m like you, because I am white.

I am not like you.

A parallel world lives in my head.

You misunderstood kindness for weakness.

OK, if those are the rules…

I understand rules. I shall play by the rules then.

You misunderstood kindness for weakness.

I have news for you.

It am not weak - I am strong.

The only thing strong with you is Dunning-Kruger.

I am courageous - and I am still kind.

I think some of you are courageous and some of you are kind.

But too many of you were raised on survival rather than love.

I’m sorry about that - for you.

But that’s not my problem.

I had a therapy appointment today. I told her I could not work right now.

Then I told her about Germany, about walking home from the airport, about wanting to move - about the full spin. I told her about eating tacos and about telling people they abandoned me - about ending friendships and about a little boy with a poppy.

She had tears in her eyes at some point. She was so happy for me. At the end of the appointment she talked about how well I was doing.

I know.

I am not able to work and my therapist thinks I am doing great.

Hm…

Yes, she was listening. Yes, I agree.

She’s on my side.

Full spin continues - wheeee…